


Fear

by Mooseknucklesss



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Buckbeak - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fear, M/M, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-04-15
Packaged: 2018-10-19 03:15:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10630992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mooseknucklesss/pseuds/Mooseknucklesss
Summary: This was written for a one word prompt challenge on tumblr. Idk how my brain went this angsty from one word, but hey, what can you do? lol. Enjoy <3





	

He looked at Sirius from across the scrubbed table. The Order meeting in full swing, but Remus could not seem to lend his ear to Kingsley’s recent report on the infiltration of Voldemort’s ranks. His mind on the dark haired man he’s known since he was eleven. 

Remus could see the subtle lines in his handsome face that suggested his time at Azkaban had taken a bigger toll than his luminescent smile had led on. Sirius was never one to make those around him fret over his emotional state. He would laugh and carry on with James and Peter, but Remus always knew. He could see the way he held his body. The tense set of his shoulders. The fidgety hand gestures, and the ‘just this side’ of too loud his voice would become before a forced joke. Something was wrong. He knew he had to approach with care, or be faced with the dramatics that was the man Sirius Black. It was only a matter of time before his destructive tendencies reared their ugly head.

He knocked on the door twice before he heard the calm command to enter. Remus was not a man afraid of confrontation. He would rather defuse a situation with calm insight and chocolate. But approaching Sirius in a strop was a different game he learned to play well over the years. Subtlety was not the key. Sirius had grown up in a house full of Slytherins, where manipulation and power plays were a favored hobby. No. He needed to be transparent. He needed Sirius to see that he did not want to use his vulnerabilities against him. But Remus also knew he needed to be rational where Sirius would be impulsive. He had his work cut out.

“Padfoot?”, Remus called into the dark room. The eerie coos from Buckbeak and the slanted lamplight from the city street creating a morose atmosphere. He could see Sirius’ profile as he perched on a torn chaise. The perfect cameo his face created, although he liked to joke on how years of inbreeding could create such a specimen of a man. He truly was beautiful, but Remus mustn’t get distracted. “Is everything alright?” Remus asked when he got no other answer than a grunt.

Sirius turned to him then. His shadowed face casting a haunted mask not seen in full light. He looked so young. So broken. So many unsaid things etched into the frown lines around his mouth. So many unheard pleas. Remus took a step forward but stopped when he saw the delicate jerk of Sirius’ right hand. He would wait. It always paid to wait. Remus should know.

“Moony. I thought you were leaving tonight” Sirius mumbled, turning his head just a fraction towards the window to avoid Remus’ concerned gaze. “No. I decided to stay another night. This mission isn’t a very important one.” Remus replied, never taking his eyes off the man’s silhouette. “Well…you know you don’t have to stay cooped up with me all night. Go have fun! I see my cousin is very interested in you. Couldn’t keep her eyes off of you.” Sirius chuckled gruffly. The last word sounding a bit more hollow than Remus would’ve liked. 

He took another step into the room, and then another, letting the door close softly behind him. Not even stopping when he saw Sirius stiffen further. “Sirius. Tell me.” Remus insisted. His calm voice holding none of the patronizing tone Dumbledore’s did when telling Sirius that he must remain at Grimmauld Place. Sirius turned finally and looked at Remus head on. Eyes hard and walls pulled up tight with no crack in the seams. Remus didn’t need to look for a crack though. This was not about breaking. This was about choice. It was always about choice.

With a shove of his hands into his jean pockets, Sirius tilted his head a bit and placed a bitter smile onto his face. “What is there to tell Moony? It’s all out on the table already. You-Know-Who is back. This won’t be like last time. I won’t let it be like last time.” He shook his head slowly and turned his back to Remus. “We’re not kids anymore, Remus.” Sirius whispered. “We can’t hold ourselves back again for the sake of wanting something we know we were never meant to have.” Remus could see the indentations in the chaise where Sirius was pressing hard into the fabric with his fingertips. 

“What do you mean, Sirius? You’re not making any sense.”

“What I mean is, It’s time for us to move on, Remus. I’m not the man you used to know. I…I don’t want you to ever regret making the decision to forgive me that night in the shack. I couldn’t bear it.” His voice warbling toward the end.

“You couldn’t bear it. Sirius, exactly what are you on about? I’m not the man you once knew either. You’re right. We have grown up. But what does that have to do with moving on?” Remus intoned. He couldn’t understand where any of this was coming from. No, he wasn’t expecting them to pick up where they left off. There were too many things left to unpack, but moving on. It wasn’t an option. At least not for Remus.

“You deserve a life, Moony. Merlin knows you’ve worked so hard all these years. Your life isn’t here with me and a damned…hippogriff. We’re in the middle of a war, Remus. Who’s to say we’ll live this time around? You should-You should be living while you still can. You should be starting a family.” declared Sirius. Remus was dumbstruck by the candid way that Sirius spoke. He could hear his blood pounding in his veins. The bitter taste of rejection making it’s way up his throat… No. He waited too long for this man to have him just decide where and how he was going to spend the remainder of his days. He deserved more dignity than that, and so did Sirius. Remus would not allow it.

“Why?” prodded Remus. “Why now, Sirius? Why wait twelve bloody years to throw it away, again? Don’t you think we’ve earned it? Don’t you think we’ve both done the time?” He could feel the emotions bubble underneath his skin. It sizzled through his fingertips and upward, making his arms feel like he had been struck by lightening. Not again. He would not lose Sirius again to his silly notions of what was for the best. Sirius didn’t get to decide that. Remus was a grown man. “Sirius. Do not give me that flimsy excuse. Tell me.”

Remus could tell from the sudden hunch of Sirius’ shoulders that the conversation would soon come to a head. He stood his ground. He would not let the love of his life walk away out of self-pity. Remus and Sirius both had too much to lose. They already lost so many people. They will continue to, but merlin fuck, didn’t Sirius realize that that should be reason enough to see it through?

Sirius barked a low bitter laugh at Remus’ words. His body taut with barely constrained emotion. His hand grasped the chaise until his knuckles were white, while his free hand twitched with every harsh, silent breath he took. He turned toward Remus again, but this time Remus could clearly see the unmasked emotion in his eyes. “It’s not an excuse, Remus. This is real life. No more games. We’ve played too many games and we lost. We lost, Remus! We lost everything. I lost everything. It’s not the same.” Sirius pleaded, shaking his head in a sorrowful manner. “It’s me, Sirius. What are you so afraid of?” observed Remus. “Sirius.”

“EVERTHING!” bellowed Sirius as he whipped around to face Remus again. “I’m afraid of everything, Remus, don’t you see?! I’m afraid of losing everything again to a fucking madman! I’m afraid that I won’t get to make up for the years I lost! I’m afraid of not knowing if there will be a tomorrow! I’m afraid of losing Harry…I-I’m afraid of losing you.” he broke, finally letting the dam of fear and uncertainty break through his facade. His knees buckled as he wept, Remus grabbing him around the middle before his knees hit the floor.

Remus held on to Sirius as he cried, rocking him and whispering soothing words into his hair. He felt his eyes prickle as the sobs wracked Sirius’ frame. Remus knows fear. He knows it like an old family friend. It’s one of the few constants he’s used to. Fear and love. Throughout his life, they’ve warred for domination. Too often he let fear win, when love should’ve prevailed. Especially concerning the man currently in his arms. Too many times he let fear shadow his judgment and had suffered because of it. Fear is inevitable, no matter the circumstances. But this time, he will not lose his life to it. He will not let Sirius throw away their happiness in spite of it. Fear is a constant, that will never change. But so is his love for this man.


End file.
